Profile Of "The Other Woman"

(She Isn't Who or What You Think She Is)

By
J. Tovah Feingold

    If you are reading this article then more than likely you have formed an image of what you think the other woman is like. You know her right? You would recognize her anywhere; the supermarket, the restaurant, the workplace. She is the one with the easy way around men, the quick smile and a constant "come hither" glint in her eye, right? She is the caricature of a soap opera diva - the epitome of seduction that men find hard to resist

    You couldn't be more wrong! She could be a wife (after all there would be the commonality of an unresponsive spouse and/or perhaps mutally severe cases of marital fatigue.   The latest guestimates are that as many as sixty percent of married women cheat), a mother, a teacher, a college student, a lawyer, a nurse or even The Avon Lady. She could be in her early twenties or in her early sixties. She could be tall, short, fat, thin, white, black, asian, hispanic or native american. She could be blissfully single, miserably married, blessedly divorced or widowed. She could be a woman just out for kicks, a woman looking for a serious non-committed relationship or most probably someone who just happened to meet a really great guy who was married and looking. Whomever she is, she is the woman most women want to hate.

    In her article Who She Is, Regina Berreca describes her as "a nice woman, really. This is the only part of her life that can't be admired, that can't be examined, that can't be discussed out loud. It is the only part of her life for which she doesn't respect herself and it keeps her miserable, even when she's happy, because she knows whatever happiness she has is stolen and illegitimate. She's not a fool even though she knows she's acting like one."

    I strongly take issue with Ms. Barreca. Ph.D's assessment. In my interviews and studies, the dreaded OW as she is referred to by the BWC (The Bitter Wives Club), rarely if ever seeks admiration for her accomplishments in an endeavor so why should her sex life be an exception? Most married couples do not have performance charts hanging in their bedroom where stars are awarded like olympic medals for jobs well done. Glory seekers and self-aggrandizers are the ones least likely to enter into a simultaneous relationship because the focus is usually not on them.

No one likes having their lives put under miscroscopic scrutiny and contrary to Ms. Berreca's beliefs, there are reasons far greater than having an affair not to delve into the lifestyles of many individuals. Their closets hold secrets that would make an affair seem like child's play which it isn't. Most people prefer not to make their sex lives fodder for water cooler or break room discussions, including those NOT involved in a simultaneous sexual liaison.

It is almost incomprehensible how driven the ethomoralists are in their negative assessments of others. Most card-carrying members of this group profess an allegiance to some sort of organized religion yet they practice hypocrisy on an almost daily basis. On any given Sunday they can be found in a house of worship reminding each other to "judge not, least ye be judged", yet there are vicious and steadfast in their's of women who have affairs with married men. The terms slut, tramp, harlot, whore and even the antiquated hussy roll off their religious tongues like water off a duck's back.

For some there is a certain mystique surrounding mistresses that is accompanied by exceedingly generous measures of disdain, however, there is nothing shameful or disgraceful about being and OW. What might be considered shameful ir disgraceful is the unwillingness or inability of wives to discuss with their husbands the cause of intimate discord within the marriage. What is shameful and disgraceful is the hurt and angst caused when a woman simply becomes emotionally and physically absent in a marriage.

Ninety percent of the women interviewed who were involved in simultaneous relationships felt good about themselves and their relationships with married men. It is Ms. Barreca's belief that the happiness derived is stolen and illegitimate. Illegitimate is a word created by the socio-religious to cast expursions on any group of people whose circumstances and actions they take issue with. The opinions expressed are based on personal and societal biases as a "wrongdoing" as well as fear. Therein lies the true foolishness. My question is exactly what is being stolen and what could possibly be anymore illegitimate than a sexless marriage- a contract that continues to be breached on an almost daily basis? Perhaps Ms. Barreca deduces that since the relationship is based on "stolen" moments, any happiness thusly derived is false.

Ms. Barreca goes on to say that most OW fear sharing details of their lives with even their closest friends and family members for fear of ostracism. This is also a fallacy. Most of the women I interviewed stated they had confided in their closest friend and close family members which often included parents, A small percentage reported exclusion but eighty-seven percent stated they were wished well with cautious optimism based on the OW's long term relationship goals. She (Ms. Barreca) states "that one of the more endearing qualities of the man is the way he treats those he feels closest to but ..."Not her (the OW) - he can't treat her as if she were really in his life, after all - but others, his REAL family are the inhabitants of his life", so she understands "how divided he is, how he feels like a piece of meat being sliced up by a rusty knife, how he feels like he is drowning and suffocating and being eaten alive all at once." I would venture to say that most men engaged in relationships with OWs feel that the so-called "rusty knife" was wielded by the woman who wears his ring and his last name; the 'butcher" who cut him off sexually and turned their bed into an invisble mine field; the one who never gives him an audience when he has something to say. If these relationships were as dramatically painful for the men involved, I have serious doubts that many men would even consider the possibility of an affair. Ms. Barreca's analogy conjours up images of the men involved putting their very masculine parts in a meat grinder. The majority of OWs in long term relationships are not treated as scullery maids, cheap tricks or booty calls. They have a place in the life of their partner and that place is defined by him. She has the option to accept it or reject it.

Most OWs are the significant long term lovers of married men. These relationships were forged out of respect, appreciation, genuine and sincere affection and most of all, something that perhaps Ms. Barreca is unfamiliar with, a commitment to friendship. Unlike the marriage with very vocal and public vows, the agreement between the OW and the man involved is to treat each other well for as long as the relationship lasts. Contrary to some beliefs the OW is rarely treated as an insigificant after thought. There are rules of conduct. No one just walks away without affording their partner closure. The man and the OW do not communicate in codes or tongues. Simultaneous relationships require a certain mindset; acceptance of the limitations of availability and an extremely curtailed social calendar in some situations. Holidays and birthdays are celebrated on arbitrarily agreed upon days, and OWs are respectful of the family obligations.

Contary to popular belief OWs do not sit around waiting for the phone to ring or an e-mail or an instant message to crawl across a computer screen "in case some shard of time can be broken off and given to her." She works, runs a house, and is usually a full partner in a relationship that is as much vertical as it is horizontal. The three C's are in place at all times - care, consideration and concern. The time spent together is not a lot different than people in professions that take them away from home. The OW does not overanalyze the relationship nor does she envy his family. She readily accepts her position in the pecking order because it is voluntary. There is the loneliness when they are apart and the joy of the mini-reunions. He is a priority in her life because she chose to make him so. Unlike the assumptions made by outsiders, the OW does NOT sit around and entertain thoughts of losing him.

A final note of importance is that the OW is as secure as any other woman in any relationship; maybe more so than others because she has less to lose materially. She is independent and self-assured. She is not the devil incarnate nor the embodiment of marital pestilence. She is just a woman, in a relationship with a man that she cares deeply for; a very common malady.

Ebony Women and Ivory Men

A Relationship Ideal For The 21st Century

By
The Lady Marsha

Recently there has been much discussion of the so-called "new" interracial phenomenon of black women dating white men. There are formulas and hypotheses of why this is occurring, and they are as varied as any discussion on the subject would be. As a relationship educator and a black woman in an interracial relationship I see it in much more simplistic terms.

In the past fear of ostracism kept many black women from "crossing" the color line. Old admonitions of what happened during the days of slavery where white men considered black women as physical objects of fulfillment and nothing more put the fear into many of us. Being cut out of the family loop and black social loop were further deterrents. Constant threats about the high price to be paid for bringing a white boy home forced many black women into same race relationships and marriages that made us feel anything but fulfilled. The terms "whited-out", "hater", "traitor" and "Oreo" used to describe black women who date white men are just as painful, if not more so as being called a "bitch", "hoe", or "dog" because they are uttered by family and so-called friends.

The proliferation of the "new" interracial couples is due more to opportunities to meet, especially via the Internet, and the quest by black women for personal fulfillment. In essence, we have renegotiated our life terms. We have become personally empowered with the knowledge that this is our life; not our mother's, nor our aunt's nor our grandmother's.

The lack of education, an almost multi-generational lack of motivation to secure employment and remain employed added to the rate that black men continue to enter the penal system serve to make them far less attractive as candidates for intimate partnerships. This is by no means a blanket indictment of black men, but rather a cause and effect of the new surge in the black woman/white man relationships.

Black people as a whole have been notorious in their selective tolerances. Eyebrows are rarely raised when a black man is seen with a white woman, however, the wagging tongues of gossipers seem to never grow weary in their maligning of the black woman/white man relationship. Black men have been very demonstrative and vocal in stating that white is right for them. Many consider it as "having arrived" and as some sort of entitlement to which they tenaciously cling.

So here we are in the 21st century where we as black women are discovering that we too have an entitlement to be happy and feel fulfilled, and in many instances that means white is also right for us.

©2007 ??????????????

Love in a Box and the Fourth of July

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I normally read anywhere from one hundred to several hundred profiles a day. I log onto random sites under a myriad of aliases to find out what people are truly looking for. The answer is not surprising.

Men seem to always look for spontaneous combustion, the spark that will liberate their beleagured hearts and allow them to be the consummate lover and partner to someone who will make them feel like everyday is the Fourth of July. Their ideal first date runs the gambit from coffee or a drink to dinner, a movie or a walk and then decide if there is a spark. Others want to talk for an extended period of time online in an attempt to ferret out any potential flaws as they "get to know" someone. The trouble with this is many of these men have had relationships and/or married that spark only to learn later that like the Fifth of July, the spark fizzles and dies out. Some sparks are so destructive that a plethora of emotional devastation lies in their wake. A great many men are looking for someone who is a counteragent to the misery they have experienced in the past or are experiencing in their present relationships. Emotional sparks are like a string of firecrackers - once the last one pops, there is nothing left but emotional trash and baggage.

Women seem to be looking for love in a box. A nice neatly wrapped ribboned container that contains one perfect man. He works, flirts, is sincere, honest, sexy but not pushy and will think she is God's gift to him when they meet. They are searching for someone who brings a feast to the table while they can barely manage dessert. Many of these women are recovering relationship addicts - failed marriages and/or widowhood make them poor candidates for the single life. Some are naive newbies, sophomores in the dating game, especially online. In both cases the attentive, flirtatious and seemingly interested (feigned or otherwise) man wins the jackpot and them.

The common thread running through both of these sceanrios is that loneliness and unhappiness clouds judgement and perception. Before a spark can be effective there needs to be quality tinder; more than a handsome or pretty face, more than a rapid heartbeat, more than mutual loneliness and unhappiness. Quality comes from realistic goals and openness. Remember Prince Charming fell in love with Cinderella, not the scullery maid. He danced the night away with a woman who physically blew him away but what happened after The End?

Real life is more like the weather - totally unpredictable. There is the warmth and good feeling of a spring day that can fill your heart with promise. There is the heat and passion of a summer evening, the inviting coolness of a crisp autumn day and the bitter cold of winter that begs cuddling. But, there are also the sudden summer storms filled with thunder,rain and lightening, and the blizzards where the brisk winds and coldness seem to never end. That same spark that turned your crank so much can later be reduced to a barely flickering flame. The same box that was opened with the anticipation of a child on Christmas can be filled with disillusionment and regret.

What then is the solution, the balance? Let's go back to the quality tinder. From pine branches and twigs to the mighty oak, each brings to the fire certain qualities. The branches and twigs burn quickly and need constant attention and replenishing . The oak burns longer, slower and provides an opportunity to enjoy and savor its warmth. It allows an opportunity for appreciation, and reflection and a fire that is slow to burn out. The embers are a passionate reminder of what was and what can be again. The pine is well decorated with arms and layers of needles that drop often. The oak is simplistic, sturdy and welcoming with branches that reach out and invite.

Sparks and gift wrapped love add to the baggage of life. After the initial excitement, all that is left is a memory of what was. Consider instead the oaks and the quiet storms - the ones who bring lust, passion, and heat; the ones who tend the fire with care and realize that it is not the spark but the quality of the tinder that sustains the fire. Open your mind and hearts to the endless possibilities of the realities and remember that real life can extinguish a spark and that the fantasy in the box is just that.

Happy searching my loves and may happiness soon dwell within your realms.

Quid Pro Quo...

Quid Pro Quo- The Ultimate Marital Bargaining Chip

Marsha Dean Walker

Quid pro quo (Latin for "something for something" indicates a more-or-less equal exchange or substitution of goods or services. English speakers often use the term to mean "a favor for a favor" and the phrases "what for what", "give and take" have similar meaning

In legal usage, quid pro quo indicates that an item or a favor has been traded in return for something of value, usually when the propriety or equity of the transaction is in question. For example, under the common law, a binding contract must involve consideration: that is, the exchange of something of value for something of economic value. If the exchange appears excessively one sided, the court may question whether a quid pro quo may not exist and the contract may be voidable

(Wikepedia)

It always amazes me when a man mentions quid pro quo when discussing the miserable state of his marriage. He laments about how hard he works to provide for his family, how good he is about playing landscaper, window glazer, carpenter, plumber, electrician and all around handyman; he plays with the kids and walks the dog, only to be ignored by “the little woman”.

She is totally insensitive to his needs as a person and a man. Even though he knows sex has been off the table for longer than he cares to remember, he is ever hopeful that she will find compassion in her estrogen filled heart and just give him a little. He doesn’t expect some over the top passionate filled interlude but just a decent romp in the bed with his wife- a sort of reward for all of his good and husbandly deeds.

If the scenario weren’t so sad it would be ludicrous. I am a staunch advocate for men but let’s face it, most men are dumb. They are ill-equipped to deal with the emotionally savvy women they choose as partners. While they were growing up playing with snakes and snails and puppy dog tails and learning how to be giving pleasers, the girls were sipping invisible tea at tea parties and learning the power of the agenda which includes “the get” as in GET the man, GET the title of wife, GET the seeds of his loins and GET the control. The girls were also learning another very important lesson- GIVE as much or as LITTLE as necessary to GET what they wanted.

The dating process is chapter one in the book of marital misery. Friendship was pushed aside while social appeal and sexual accessibility moved to the forefront. The expected dining out, movies, birthday and Christmas gifts were usually followed by sex, sex, and more sex. What it may have lacked in sincerity was made up for in availability and real or feigned interest. As this madness moved forward there were subtle nuances to take the relationship to the next step, the gentle whining that may have included “if you love me like you say…” or “maybe we should think about making this more permanent…” Being the airhead gentleman that you are, you accepted her proposal to you to proposed to her.

The bonding materialized

Chapter two starts with the engagement ring. If you bought one you essentially rewarded someone for doing what THEY wanted YOU to do all along, and now they have proof positive to flash around of who is in control, at your expense of course.

The plot begins to thicken substantially with the WEDDING. Most men admit to not playing a very active role in the planning because after all it was for HER. If you are among this group, your lack of active participation and decision making was duly noted. Of course you could have agreed to fuchsia dresses for her attendants in return for a cake shaped like a golf course but you didn’t. You blindly went along with the whole thing including the vows. If you did the traditional vow thing you neglected to have your interpreter handy. Translated, the vows you took said that you agreed to give up your personal time, space and freedom as well as your identity to become joined with your little woman. You agreed that from that point on to fulfill all HER needs, comply with all of HER wishes and desires and that sex would be on HER terms only and that in the unlikely event she took early retirement from an active life of intimacy with you, you are supposed to join her in celibacy.

Honeymoon

For the first few years your luck seemed to be holding. Dinner was always there, the house was reasonably well maintained, and sex was available. You talked, kissed, cuddled and seemingly enjoyed each other. Then chapter three began- those little seeds of your loins manifested themselves as your offspring and a heretofore warm and accommodating woman turned into the bane of your existence. The excuses to avoid you rolled off her tongue as smooth as silk. The “maybe later”, turned into “not tonight” which turned into “maybe next week” to “can I have a rain check?” Before you knew it the monsoon season seemed to never end in your house. Your life had become a series of quid and no quo. If you still shared a bed it became the east coast west coast situation with each of you hugging your respective edges and the vast invisible mine field in the middle – the do not touch zone. Worse than worse case scenario found you sleeping in separate rooms. Everything you do now is wrong – you work too much or too late and the housework isn’t getting done to her liking. At the close of business on Friday the ensuing forty-eight hours are hers to schedule for you. In the unlikely event you do need to go out your exit is met with a pouty face, or a raised eyebrow or a snide remark. When you return, the slow burn is evident in everything she does. She scrutinizes your visits to the den of decadence (the home computer) and seems to set a new record for breath holding when you answer the telephone. Your cell phone, if you have one becomes an extension of your invisible leash. For her it is a simulated GPS system to track your whereabouts at all times.

Hope

Fast forward ten, fifteen, twenty or thirty years- you are still caving in to HER demands, still chasing the quid pro quo, still wondering what happened and how you got where you are now. The answer is simple. You introduced the quid pro quo system and sustained it. She treats you with reckless and calculated indifference, and you reward her with things- vacations, furniture, and birthday and Christmas gifts. You engage in conflict avoidance rather than direct confrontation. Your greatest fear has become financial retribution, familial alienation, loneliness and isolation. Your self esteem has now begun to bottom out and the emotional toll continues to grow. By now you should have it figured out- quid pro quo was her MO and you blindly went along and probably still do. She controls your heart, your time, your freedom and your wallet and gives nothing in return except criticism and emotional distance and of course the HOPE… She has what you want but can’t have and you give what you have but can’t get what you want.

There are some things in this life that should never be bartered for and a good marriage or good intimate relationship is one of them. Quid pro quo is best left in the political arena or used as the toy of lawyers.

Bi-Curisity- The Forbidden Fruit Of

Bi-Curiosity- The Forbidden Fruit of Gender Flexibility

J. Tovah Feingold

When it comes to sexuality there is no shortage of labels assigned to lifestyles. Homosexual, heterosexual and bisexual are terms we are all familiar with. In terms of recognition, bi-curiosity is the new kid on the sexuality block. Most people have their own definitions of what each lifestyle entails. Opinions and/or phobias are formed based primarily on ignorance and the inability to think outside the established societal box.

There are identifiable behaviors that are common to the “big three” that separate it from bi-curiosity - behavior, orientation and identification. Sexual orientation is established at birth but is neither realized nor actualized until years later and is marked by a specific gender preference such as romantic responses, feelings, and desires. The attendant behavior includes the gender selection of a partner. Sexual identification is usually the group of affiliation. In the case of bi-curiosity because there is neither a lifestyle nor a preference and there is no sexual identification affiliation. More times than not it is the desire for sexual experiences between members of the same sex, however, occasionally homosexuals will experience a curiosity to have sex with a member of the opposite sex.

Gender flexibility is usually nothing more than satisfying a curiosity or scratching a particular sexual itch as it were. There is neither an emotional component nor quality of life issue involved. It is merely a sexual exercise to answer a question of whether or not same sex sexual stimulation is a satisfying experience.

Two of the most famous studies of the demographics of human sexual orientation were Dr. Alfred Kinsey's Sexual Behavior in the Human Male (1948) and Sexual Behavior in the Human Female (1953). These studies used a seven-point spectrum to define sexual behavior, from 0 for completely heterosexual, to 6 for completely homosexual. Kinsey concluded that all but a small percentage of the population were to one degree or another bisexual (falling on the scale from 1 to 5). He also reported that 37% of men in the U.S. had achieved orgasm through contact with another male after adolescence… -Source: Wikipedia

A recent interview with a bi-curious male gives insight as to one possible avenue of how men begin to realize their same sex curiosity. It is a well established fact that physiology plays an important role in male sexuality. He was in his early 40’s and recounted how during one of his heterosexual relationships his partner would engage in mechanical anal sex play which was very enjoyable. He began to wonder what anal intercourse with a man would feel like and if it would feel any different in terms of intensity. The fantasy continues as he has not engaged in that type of same sex sexual contact to date.

He related that at a later date during a conversation with an openly bi-sexual female the question of bi-curiosity was again raised. Her contention was that if it feels good, a same sex encounter might be just as satisfying. Her suggestion was to visit an adult bookstore and wait to see if he was approached by another make patron. As he sat masturbating while watching porn in a video booth in an adult bookstore, an unidentified male approached him and began to perform oral sex on him which was very enjoyable. When I asked if he experienced feelings of confusion, guilt or angst he replied no. I then asked if he went to the bookstore expecting to have a same sex oral sex encounter to which he replied in the affirmative. This was to be a true test of his presumed bi-curiosity and whether or not he would find the encounter pleasurable or a complete turn-off.

The curiosity seemed focused more on which gender could provide the most intense orgasmic release under unique circumstances. Apparently men who engage in this type of behavior are seeking a “get it done” physical release type situation. Foreplay is not an option and the no harm, no foul rule is in play.

Several other interviews with bi-curious men seemed to echo similar sentiments. When questioned as to whether or not they felt their bi-curiosity was a manifestation of some latent homosexual tendencies, the response was a collective and decisive no. Universally they agreed that it was more a desire for anal penetration and inquisitiveness regarding the difference between oral sex performed by a woman as opposed to being performed by a man. Most admitted to having been introduced to anal sex by a partner using some sort of vibrator or strap-on device.

These interviews also strongly suggested that the “partners” were generally experienced gay men or bisexual men who were comfortable with same sex encounters; however, visits to several male bi-curious websites indicated that there are “communities” of straight bi-curious males seeking the same. The respondents ran the gambit from married and single professional men to blue collar workers to college students who admitted that their first encounter usually occurred at a party where covert sexual activity was occurring. The men also revealed that many times the encounters were an attempt to sexually please a female partner who enjoyed voyeuristic male to male interaction. The men revealed their greatest fear of discovery was that their home lives and other relationships would be upset due to the narrow mindedness of their significant others and/or friends.

There will always be great debate on the morality of certain sexual behaviors but currently gender flexibility remains a closeted affair with virtually no possibility of a social coming out and it remains in the netherworld of sexual acceptability.

Overcoming Your Negative Obsessions

Overcoming Your Negative Obsessions

Marsha Dean Walker

Relationship Educator

For our purposes here a negative obsession defined is a continual backward glance and walk into the past of a relationship that no longer exists with the woman you married. Like some horrifically tweaked episode of The Twilight Zone you find yourself continually drawn into that same negative direction over and over. When you go to bed at night you fall asleep thinking about how it used to be and when you wake up each morning you are thinking how it used to be when you had to move an arm or a leg to get out of bed. When you take a shower you think about those hands that used to touch you or when you shave you think about arms around you and a head that used to rest on your back.

You go about your day fighting a losing battle with yourself to push the memories to the recesses of your mind but like a well inflated beach ball they float and find their way to the front of your consciousness. You are angry, frustrated, and sad, hurt and perhaps even depressed over the decline and demise of a relationship you wanted; a relationship you entered into with ideas of growing old together and enjoying the best that life had to offer. You put your heart and soul and blood into making it work. You gave until it hurt and then gave some more even after you noticed she wasn’t giving back.

It’s as if someone you loved died but is still walking the earth as some sort of aberration of the original woman. Every time you look at her now you feel the pain of disloyalty or distrust or slight. If it were the kind of pain from cutting yourself accidentally or even post-surgical pain you could approach it differently because you know that in a few days or weeks it would subside; the wound would granulate in and all that would remain would be a visible scar to remind you that you survived it all.

Conversely when your soul is injured and the pain permeates every cell of your heart it is an invisible wound with very real and ongoing pain as you are continuously wounded with every encounter you have with your wife. You can be having a wonderful time engaged in one of your favorite activities when like an approaching storm the memories come flooding back and hover like that dark cloud.

Everyday you promise yourself that this day is going to be different. This day you are going to confront your fears and clean out your emotional closet. It starts out so well and then falls apart because like the song says there is always something there to remind you of what was. You start to feel worn and tired and things aren’t fun. The why’s swirl around in your head and the answers remain elusive. You are wearing down and you wonder what it will take to shake off the muck and rejoin the world of the living.

Just as a car cannot move forward and in reverse at the same time neither can your brain. You want to jump start your recovery but you don’t know how to break the hold and pull of the past. It isn’t easy but it can be done but only of you really want to do it. Negative emotions are stronger than the positive ones. Their grip is tenacious because they afford a comfort zone of sorts and at this point it is difficult to even consider positive emotions beyond what you feel for your children or family and even those are on a different plane than what you once felt for your wife.

First you need a plan, a solid plan. Not some lofty cruise on the Mediterranean because first of all you aren’t in the mood for it and now it would total fiscal irresponsibility to entertain that notion. You need a basic simple plan designed strategically to block the backward path and break the pull of the past. A good way to do this begins with acceptance.

Accept the fact that what is in the past died there. It can never be resurrected. No amount of emotional CPR can breathe life into it. It is a done deal. The relationship you shared back there has now been skeletonized and hangs in a closet not to be revisited. As with any death there is denial and grief. The backward glances and trips down memory lane were your denial. Now it is time to grieve. You are allowed to weep openly, kick a can, hit the heavy bag, tie one on (as long as you don’t drive afterwards) or just scream. The latter is not something you do at work or school or in the supermarket because people are always watching and there is nothing worse than some well intentioned old lady toddling over to you and asking you ,”are you alright dear?”. Target practice would work but in your frame if mind the target wouldn’t last long so it would hardly be worth the waste of good ammunition. Besides crying impairs your ability to focus.

A good plan of action would be to clean house emotionally. Do not pick this time to revisit the family photo album. That is a definite no-no. Do not get sucked into attending “friendly cook-outs” where pretense to protect the friends is mandatory. If she accepted the invitation let her go. If she decided to host one by all means let her play Martha Stewart and you go to the movies or for a drive or anything than constantly subjecting yourself to being drawn into the past and once again down memory lane.

Next find a box, fairly small in size and if you aren’t wearing your ring anymore and there are many of you who aren’t and some who never did, take your ring and a piece of paper (the symbolic marriage certificate) and put them into the box or a can, weight it down, seal it. Have a funeral, say a few appropriate words (swearing is allowed) and either bury it, take it to the landfill or toss it in the ocean or lake depending on where you live and for God’s sake don’t got back the next day and try to find it as that action is now a part of the past also. Have a drink with a friend or a stranger. Take notice of the life in the place, the laughter, the sheer joy some of the people feel at being alive. Take note of it and absorb it like a sponge. This is the first step towards closure. Yes she will still be there when you go home but only as what surgeons would refer to as a space occupying lesion. You will no longer subject yourself to anything negative and you will not walk backwards no matter how strong the pull. There is no heart, there is no soul, and there is no spirit, only a shell. A shell now to be ignored like the burned out light bulb in the room you never use or that microscopic dust bunny living under your bed. You pick and choose the level of interaction you want if any. You have now begun to take control of your own existence.

By now you are weary but like that poet said you have miles to before you sleep peacefully like you once did. A point of clarification here is that sleeping soundly does not always equate with sleeping peacefully. At this point you are going to be seeing lots of sideward glances, irritating deep sighs, and the like. But you don’t really see or hear this because it is emanating from the lesion. You know longer have anyone to report to. She doesn’t exist. She has no control over your comings and goings; she is just that space occupying lesion.

To alter a routine of a lifetime (10-20 years is a lifetime in relationship terms) you will need to be strong, stronger than you have been in your life because irrational fear is tugging at you with great force. Whenever that happens think about that nothing to fear but fear itself thing.

Weigh your options. The worm has turned. At one time you stayed to please her. You gave her everything including your heart that now resembles chopped liver. You have decided to act as if she is just a lesion taking up space in your house but no longer in your life. What are you afraid of? That she will leave…well she could do that anytime she wanted to. She could try to wreak holy collateral damage as she physically exited your life. She could file for divorce in which case she gets to give up her mad money to pay for an attorney or she could just sort of hang around and continue to be lesion. Whatever she does there is nothing you can really do to control an empty shell totally devoid of any real feelings for you.

A voiceless, heartless, soulless shell cannot bitch at you for anything. The words will just hang in the air unless you decided to grab onto them and give an audience. There are no penalties anymore. No juvenile time outs. You know her routine- you leave first if you want to do something. If you have children you have kid time and then you have adult time. She walks in the door for her tour of duty and you walk out to rejoin the living. A shell pushes with no force unless you choose to feel the force but then that would not be in keeping with the game plan.

If your real fear is divorce you could always beat her to the punch and have the papers handy just in case you need them. In the past she did all the planning- you know the wedding, the kids, the vacations etc. Now you are older, sadder, smarter and wiser. You will never again be a negative participant in your own affairs.

The other fear is growing old alone. This is the most ludicrous baseless one of all. In the years you were on emotional lockdown someone paid attention to you. Someone will befriend you and if you are over 50 have the common sense to be friends first and then lovers. That way your emotional wellbeing and physical well being will be in good hands and you will spare yourself a lot of grief. That belongs in the past. These days people grow old alone by choice and do you really want to give that space occupying lesion the satisfaction of knowing that she cut your entire heart out and rendered loveless for all eternity? Even at your lowest point you should never feel that way.

Taking control of your life after a traumatic event is like taking vitamins. The more time and effort and compliance with the plan the better you will start to feel. It isn’t going to happen overnight but it will over time and in less time than you imaged.

You cannot impact on negative events in the past and you cannot impact on negative and vitriolic space occupying lesion in your life but you can impact on your own negative obsessions. That means thinking positive and good thoughts. When you take a shower enjoy your own hands and know that one day the hands of another will caress you. When you look in the mirror to shave smile because you are a survivor and positive people migrate towards survivors. Who knows one day another survivor may have their arms around you and their head resting on your back. Everywhere you go throughout the day smile. Smile because you are a good person, a worthy person, a kind, caring and emotionally generous person. Fill your mind with positive thoughts. Read a joke, learn something new. Don’t wait for an attaboy from someone else, pat your own self on the back in honor of how far you’ve come.

The last piece is your emotional baggage. Keep it to no more than will fit into a brown paper bag and at the end of each day dump it into the garbage can. Over time you will discover that it was just a symbolic crutch and that you really don’t need it at all. You also do not need validation from any living person. Your survival is validation enough and the only thing you need to complete you is your new found belief in yourself. This is how you fight against the pull of the past. Believe that you can and you will. The space occupying lesion will be treated with indifference and not deference and you will have regained your self-respect and self esteem and that is how you overcome your negative obsession!

Misandry and Porn

Marsha Dean Walker

I have a bone to pick with some of the women of The View, Oprah Winfrey and other women in the media. The seemingly never ending misandric views espoused by these women grow tiresome. A year ago Oprah ‘The Queen of Daytime” Winfrey had a show centering around 237 or so reasons to have sex. Most men would say there are only two- because you want it and you need it. When renowned expert Pepper Schwartz and others talked about the benefit of porn in a relationship, Oprah expressed open amazement stating that the last time she viewed porn was when she was in college.

The latest whipping post of the estrogen mavens is none other than Christy Brinkley’s soon-to- be ex, Peter Cook. Over the past few weeks two of the women of The View, most notably former survivor participant and the little mouth that could Elizabeth Hasselbeck, and Sherri ‘can never miss an opportunity to proselytize and show her ignorance’ Shepard, have raked Cook and men in general over the coals for viewing porn on the Internet. This act has now become the eleventh commandment- Thou shalt not view people having hot sweaty sex on the Interent, lest a fate worse than blindness attach itself to the miscreant viewing it. Cook’s affair with a teenage employee has taken a back seat to his 3k a month porn habit and if that wasn’t bad enough the fact the he “played with himself” as Barbara Walters describes it , while viewing Internet porn makes him one sick puppy.

On the July 16^th show Shepard stated that were it her partner she would consider him sick and in need of professional help for viewing porn and that watching porn creates an unrealistic expectation of women. Obviously she doesn’t know there are thick women in porn movies too and there is no shortage of men who like looking at them. Perhaps it is the ignorance of male physiology and the unrealistic expectation women have of men. Do Shepard and Hasselbeck and even Oprah for that matter know how many women watch Internet porn and shock of shock and horrors of horror use a vibe at the same time or their hands even to please themselves?

Men are always judged by whatever makes women unhappy collectively. The sisterhood sets the standard, yet women are rarely judged by what makes men unhappy. If that were the case there would be more divorces than there are now. No one ever knows the real reason behind celebrity breakups or even the breakups of their neighbors or friends or family members. We ‘the must know everythings’ rarely get both sides of the story. Sometimes the reasons are obvious and other times not so much so. A woman who suddenly avoids sex in a marriage is extended the benefit of the doubt for many reasons, and the “not tonight dear, I have a headache” excuse can span years. Men are just expected to accept the sudden announcement of a woman’s retirement from an active sex life.

Peter Cook is no different than any other guy who had an affair, except maybe he had more money to toss around. We have no idea what it was like to live with or be married to Christie Brinkley. What we do know is that watching Internet porn did not make him an aberration in today’s society. Last year Hasselbeck referred to men like Cook as “scumbags” and the women with whom they had the liaisons “hoe bags”. This year after the release of her boss Barbara Walters’ book Audition, Hasselbeck’s stance on women who have affairs quieted down a bit. Perhaps it was because her paycheck means more than the joy of tossing mean spirited adjectives around.

Sherri Shepard’s bitterness over her husband’s dalliance and the birth of a child he had with his mistress has gone full circle from public lambasting to religious forgiveness to unkind remarks about “any man who would…” Her very publicly discussed divorce was a clear indication of how she feels and thinks other women should feel about men.

Almost as many women have affairs as men and yet where is the balance? Where are the men making blanket indictments and broad sweeping generalizations about the women who cheat or watch Internet porn? Where are the women honest enough to come forward and own up to the role they played in the breakdown of a relationship and absorb the guilt? Where are the women who openly admit to Oprah and the ladies of The View that they view Internet porn and that they enjoy self pleasuring? Is this something that only men do or is it to avoid incurring the vitriolic remarks of the Shepards and Hasselbecks of the world.

Women are notorious for placing blame whether it is making misogynistic slurs such as hoe bag or misandric remarks such as scum bucket and scumbag. Men seem to accept the circumstances and are more reticent to publicly engage in name calling. Maybe the women of the media would be wise to take a hint from the men and take a little time to enjoy their view.